Not the mind i know now.

To try and explain to someone who does not understand what it is that has stopped me using my brain the way i have allways used it ,and if not i wish that the bloody doctors will tell me what it is and is it to do with my accident or is it allzhiemers ,or what ,even after a scan all they can tell me is small blood vessel disease and another said strobes disease and another said that the disease has stopped ,so all i am left with is to speculate about what is going on .
I do know that me abilities that gave me so much has disappeared ,but putting my fingers on the things that are different and are gone is bloody impossible because when i think i know something one minute and the next i am not sure ,i do know i can't follow complex thing's where i have to follow something like this computer and all the instructions defeat me no matter how many times i try and in what mood i may be in,so even explaining something when i want help escapes me and drives me mad .
Another curious side that is rearing it's head and that is people not believing me when i tell them that something has gone and it's the part of my brain that i used to work thing's out in,   ie the working's that would come to me once i put my mind to it ,only now my mind can't go to it .
This fact of me writing ,some people that don't know me and did not know me before,  think there is nothing wrong'  because i can write and explain thing's ' ,but i used to be able to write without thinking too much and it would come out ,now unless i have taken pill's i can't stop mixing thing's up on and off the page and thinking thing's and (rarely )can't tell the diffirence from my dreams or did it happen the way i think and the pictures i have in my head (and it is pictures )confuse me  as to what it is and i see thing's darting past in the corner of my eye.
Allthough i am able to go on with thing's as they are but i have come as far as i can without someone explaining what the hell is going on  without patronizing me by saying they do not know ,they might not have a complete confirmation and a diagnosis,  but they know allright .,they know but won't let me know in case i take the matter into my own hands ,well i will if i am not given the diagnosis.

what the hell"

I have been spending quite a lot of time on my own ,infact all of my time on my own and i am on the internet most of the time and it's mainly writing on the BBC messageboards ;
The thing's i have been writing about are all to do with the political situation in Palestine and my anger knows no bounds and it's very unsettling because my body seems to react in ways i do not understand when i think and feel certain emotions and feelings that make me become spastic like in my movements and recently i have been feeling better physically and mentally and thought i was better and apart from the pain and my walking i seemed to be normal .
But this thing has came back whatever it was when i was out ;i was thinking over what i last heard from a consultant about moving and that my joints would get worse quicker if i was not using my body ,so with his words adding to my guilt of not going out and not walking at all i made the effort went out and moved quite well but i was tired so bloody tired and the pains were bad especially in certain movements .
Point is when i had to get in the cab and sat down the cab driver was going on about why i never appealed to the council for a card or something and in the middle of him talking my body started to contort and i could not keep my eyes open and it's so odd what happens,anyway after thinking that there was nothing now wrong with me in my brain to ending up like that ,i just can't believe that they do not know but don't want to say because of my past reactions to my state ,or am i just a fucking nut that can't control my mind and so it's just bloody psychological and i am just making it up for whatever reason that is known to anyone but myself .
But i do know that stress plays a hell of a part as it seem's to come out whenever i am put under any stress of any kind. and really any feelings that create certain chemicals in my brain ,chemicals that are related to some part of my anatomy and they overact ,it's driving me mad as it has happened when i thought i was not in any stress,but finally the thing's that i have put my body through when i tried to kill myself so many times and failed
and the damage that i did to my constitution and the nervous system through paracetamol  poisoning and not forgetting the injecting of crack .