my views .

The outlook we have has to be something with promise ,a promise that the next day might be better ,the next day might be brighter ,the next day must have something that you want to get up for ,something that makes your mind sit up and
go into another realm of wishes and ambition  to seek out something other than yourself ,other than your own bloody self ish  feeling's of feeling  sorry for yourself  as if  i am the only poor soul who's in my situation.
Another day , Bodily functions have a way of interupting your day  and night as in this case ,to avoid the rigmarole of getting up and reaching out for things in the dark  so to avoid that  i pee in a bottle ,Yes" Yes" warts and all you know,  anyway i had a full bottle so to speak and stretched out and spilled the bloody stuff ,well  the only trousers i had were soaked as they were lying on the floor .
But my reason for disgusting anyone reading this is i remember as a child not being able to control my bodily functions when i went to bed ,  (which i am trying to come to terms with in another blog that i have been trying to write )some pathetic attempt at writing  about my life and growing up  and it is ironic that the part i am at so to speak is memories of my wetting the bed  except i am now wetting the floor .
I think it is funny that when you get old you begin doing the things you did in your childhood  and it is that that teriffies  me i suppose loosing your independence and being at the mercy of others .
But i am not bloody old".

So with all that is going on in the world i choose to write about myself ,well it is so depressing at the moment with people dying all over the place and all one can do is moan about it .
Speaking of moaning i am beginning to think that i am on my own with what is going on in my head  as the psychiatrist suggsted i see a psychiatrist ,well " i am not wholly convinced of their reasons for saying that as they say that the medication i am on can lead do my jerky movements as a side effect  .
But i do not believe it one bit as i know what feelings and sensations i get   in my head and around the neck upwards the numbness varies from the amount of my face it effects .
Thats it ,just for a time i want to forget myself and my bloody ailments ,if i was crawling through all other peoples pages and they went on about their depressed outlook on life ,    i would soon loose interest.
So this is me trying to go on about something more relevant about my life .
The things that are effecting me the most at the moment ,  (the murdering of the innocents in Palestine, but i won't write about my feelings here because someone i like and respect has got my name that i blog with and i do not want to hurt her feelings as she lives in ISRAEL so i must respect her feelings.

What is it that is effecting me in the way that there is not enough energy in me to do anything  other than to wrestle with problems that are impossible to really know ,   or at the time of life i have reached change enough and in enough time to get some benefit so i have decided to ask if those that are helping me will allow or help me help other youngsters that may be arriving like me at a time in their lives where they could be at the precipice and take a step that they may not step back from.
I may be fooling myself into thinking that out there somewhere are people that can be helped by my story of how i arived at where i am to-day and the state i have got myself into from taking the wrong steps taking the wrong ideas into my head ,my head that was so full of confusion that i would have been and was easy fodder for wrong ideas and idealogy .
So i will ask those that are and have being good to me and helpfull if just maybe there is a way where i could possibly help in my own small way someone or maybe others  even if it is shock tactics in when they may see how i ended up,  so i will have to see how it  turns out.