Changing and what changing is for

I am writing this to as much as keep my head busy ,well my mind,at least"  the finding out about yourself and why we need to change for the better ,well we are human being's and unless we can change ourselves into something better than we were yesterday then there is nothing between us and the animal kingdom.
I re-read what i wrote yesterday and was concerned that i'm sounding like i was when i first posted and then i was really bad in my togetherness and then i had hoped that if i could get a year free from drug's then just maybe
i would find thing's easier to cope with  and day to day would be better ,well they are not and i suppose because of this bloody thing going on with my mental state i can't move on to any degree untill i know .
This life we are allocated i suppose is a journey and the journey will take what it takes ,in time, and in effects on the body and mind ,but where does it say that you are not to be aware of the journey .
My journey has been filled with action in one way or the other and now that it's at the end and i am looking back
i "like everyone else"  think of what i have done with this life"  have i abused what i have been given ?   what have i been given  ??.
Well those answers are difficult at the best of times but when you have to drag your mind through the shit of a life that i have led then "  well"  the looking over it takes a little  more reflection than i thought.

Someone criticised me on the messageboard that i post on (and spend too much time on ) and they accused me of making thing's up about my life,(well it could only be tit bits of what i've said as i've not said much apart for something to help make a point) anyway they said i was mad and thing's of that nature ,but they also said something about my writing and how i got someone else to post for me or something like that;    well it's evidence to me of how i am not imagining my all most two diffirent people  comes out when i write,  i'm talking about how  the quality of the writing and how thing's are put are so diffirent and that sometimes i'm really bad and mix thing's up and put word's in the wrong place and then don't change it .
Well  they pointed out that in my writing but they also said i was mad and i am wondering if they see thing's through my persona on those boards that i don't see ie my madness as they called it and that i need help,i wonder even in my writing persona i am being seen as going off my trolley and am i so bad that it shows even when they don't see me .
So i am now going to stop posting on the BBC .
But what i am angry about is why those that i am asking for help are not telling me the truth and making me aware of what it is that i am suffering from,as i know there is something wrong and even as i write this my arm seems to be loosing the sensation in the fingers as i am typing and my head feels a bit numb round my face,
but that's exactly what i would like to know about but am left in the dark about it ,   but i must keep open in my mind that just maybe they do not know after all i did do so many silly attempts at poisoning myself,  and failed miserably.
I am also failing in the effort i am not putting into writing about my childhood and growing up in the situation i was born into .

I am allways bloody annoyed when children are born into situations where no thought  was given as to the welfare and psychological wellbeing  of the envioroment  that this child who never asked to be born but is dragged into never the less to suit the needs of the woman or couple sometimes only on a whim or a relationship that is far from ideal.

I suppose we all look over the precipice" "at least" once in our lives,  if not ,then i would question the security that, that person lives by ,security" of that certain knowledge that they are allways fine  as no-one can  allways  say allways .

But does living with a certain insecurity of sanity  make life any uncertain than those that say they certainly are sane and have no doubt's about their future sanity.
I can safely say i do not worry about being sane ,but i am worried about future sanity  or the interpretation of others to my behaviour and i have no doubt in my mind that i will not allow myself to become bloody incapable of looking after myself and or mentally incapable.
But at what point does one know that you have become incapable ?.