free from money worries

I on re-reading over what i just wrote in my last post forgot to say that allthough i may have sounded like i never enjoyed my lunch ,i did very much ,it was nice to be around other people as i have been inside my flat now for god knows how long, without going out, apart from doctors appointments .

I have been conscious about how maybe i am making my pain and condition worse by avoiding going out and about ,but i had built my hopes up for getting some bloody answers to what is going on in my body and my brain;  what is making me twitch and jerk about like i  am spastic ,please excuse my term ,but i do not know the up to date term for someone like  i've become.

I have been given the hope that it might be the medication and the side effects,  but that does'nt make sense because my spine has been getting worse  before all this, not to mention the pain and the other thing about parts of me shutting down ,thats the only way i can put it as it is confusing to me because my physical condition did not arise overnight for me ,i've been living with this and trying to hide my walking like a cripple for so long ,   but i was putting it down to vanity and was dealing with it that way because going from a fit person to what i have become, but i am so bloody angry because there are so many people worse of than me,so how dare i moan to much after all did i not bring it on myself ,did i not be given a perfectly decent body ,did i not abuse that perfectly good body with drug abuse ,after all i am 53 my life has been lived mostly so really what should i be moaning about ,there are people born with next to nothing and would probably give anything to live their life with enough food to eat ,children free from abusive lives so i do feel rather pathetic about thinking i have it bad .

I am now free from worrying about bills and things like that ,but they stopped my money before so god knows when they will do it again.

Recently someone was talking about how their father when in certain moods would bring doom and gloom to all around them and was not happy till everyone around them were the same and i on reading over this am reminded of it,  surely i must look at the positives in life .

So" I want to say something about the one person who has been constant for such a long time in my life ,she is quite old and when i'm sure others were for feeding me to the wolves because i had been given so many chances and was failing to help myself but she persuaded the rest to give me another chance and they did and i certainly never made it easy for anyone to help me but with her input i am still here and i can not thank her enough ,so Maggie thank you for all you have done aand it makes me angry when you are not given your due about how much you give and have been giving all these years,and even as i write this know you will not even know ,but thank so much for all you have done for me .

That brings me to the others that have been such a strong and lasting effect in and on my life and i think sometimes some of them may read this ,so LEANNE,EMMA, SANDRA,and MAURICE thank you so much for your help over this last year and for all you have done i will allways be gratefull"thank you so much" and may the next year be your best .

re xmass

I would like to wish anyone who may be reading this a happy chrismass and a happy new year.

That said ,it's not been a pleasant time these last few days watching others enjoying themselves.

But wait a minute ,do people really enjoy themselves or just put on a better show of enjoying themselves,i say that because i was  invited to my local drug clinics christmass lunch and on entering the building i felt a nice atmosphere ,(that came from the staff) but those who's benifit it was for were "allthough eating ,but were only there because it was free and it possibly only added to their feelings of despondency .

I "on entering the room where the food was and when i was left alone i looked around and drank of the fountain of pain that was omitting from the people that were there,  (it's that pain that normally stops me going to clinics like this )but the food was needed as most were skint and probably never had much money to see them through this holiday period ,as most of them have allready spent their dole money on one drug or the other so they never had much to look forward to ,  irespective of what view you take about their money ,they will be skint sitting at home possibly hungry and depressed in one way or another,so i say to myself they and myself  do not have much to look forward to even if they are off drugs alltogether ,they are now left to meet themselves and whatever it was they were not happy with before the drugs came into their lives.Sorry i ill avoid these points for the time being and come back when i am not boring as hell.