how many would still be here

I wonder how many people would still be here if only they had more money ,i don`t mean the obvious ,IE-the hungry ,the poverty stricken and the like ,i`m talking about those that falled by the wayside because they were too proud or arrogant,which ever way you choose to look at it .
The old lady who fell because she thought her family when they find out how she`s living ,(or not living )those of a different culture who don`t want to loose face or because she is so embarrassed of her plight and she goes on pretending that her family are sending her money or whatever kind of lie that helps to keep her place in her community .
we forget what kind of stress and suffering that is caused by the lack of sufficient funds to pay essential bills now essential bills to some may be the utilities and food that's fine if we are only caring about the absolute minimum standards ,then its OK there is all these people at home who at least can have a sandwich and watch the TV and that s all right then , its not going to be hunger that people die off .
Whats the point of having a life if you cant live it in some sort of happiness ,because if we are saying that happiness is only for those that have money to pay for it ,unless of course you are of the mind that these people should have provided for their old age and if they dont have enough money then its too bad we`ll allow them enough to ease our concience,but they are not allowed to go to the bingo now and again ,jesus that costs money and if they have money for that ",
then what are they moaning about..
The point im making is ," if your living , then life is more than a full belly and a warm room.
Iam useing the obvious examples to make my point,speaking personally now ,i find that if you are able to use the ENGLISH language a bit better than those that they are used to hearing and talking to people that can`t or arent able to speak in a certain way then somehow you are not suffering enough to deserve any help infact some are of the attitude that you can`t be suffering because you can write a little better than the usual so how dare you ask for help and if you dont happen to give in to the inevitable and try to stave off by pushing yourself that little bit extra
because you happen to be a bit more bloody minded then you are not in pain or because you don`t have someone in your corner ,sorry and on it goes when you ask for help .
So i`m not going to ask for any help no more because it`s not worth degrading myself into the arms off those who make the decisions to help .
Yes i am feeling sorry for myself ,but i seen some old person going round and raking through the local supermarkets bins and was taking out perfectly good food to feed herself or whatever ,so you see what the bloody society has come too ,the way people looked at her ,as if she was somehow subhuman and thats how i feel when i`m stared at and especially those who make a point of pretending their not looking ,when in actul fact they are looking from behind and hoping that they will be allowed the luxury to stare without being seen and i can`t begin to explain off how bloody angry that makes me ,i know it`s human nature to look but to look and judge if you are not able to walk or if you happen to be exaggerating you predicument ,my psychologist did it quite recently pretending to hang back just to look in that judgemental way ,sorry " but it is so infuriating for me ,i suppose because i`m concious of what is going on in my spine and because it`s so recent that my walking has took on a more pronounced look ,but i`v lived with it for so long now and i`m still not used to the unpredictability of what particular nerve that is going to be pressed down on, and therefor my walk doth change and therefor i be judged.
OK"i`v blethered on a bit about my pathetic faults .
But i do hope that people do look at people a little better because like myself you can at the slightest silly accident be pushed into a world that is so alien to what you know and as in my case regularly want to kill yourself ,and spend so much time thinking of ways to do it .
I did not want to get around to how bloody pissed off i am and can see no way out of it ,to think that i`m going to be at the mercy of those social workers that are so judgemental and not able to go out when i want to and like today waiting for my food as i gave her my money at 7.30am and it`s now 4.20pm ,who want`s to fucking live this way .
I did say i would write this blog warts and all and i can assure anyone thats lasted the pace in reading what i`v written that an ex drug addict trying to keep things together after nearly 30 years on Heroin,and coke ,and crack is probably an eye opener at the way my life is taking shape,in any other cicumstances knowing that i`v stayed off all my drugs (apart from prescibed ones)i would or should be pleased with myself ,but the given cicumstances i don`t feel anything but pain as all my pain has came back with a vengence and say what you like about Heroin it did keep my pain at bay and today i`m finding it hard because of the pain.
As i said about the care worker taking my money and not bringing the food yet and it`s 5.30,i suppose it could be said that if i had that money now i would or could have spent it on Heroin ,but to have used my last money on drugs would be bloody suicidal given what i`v been through allready .but i wonder how long i can last given my present cicumstances and having no bloody money ,i`m about to be cut off in my server BT is demanding payment again it seems to come so fast these bills.
so if i`m cut off this may be my last Blog.

respect

Respect "is it important ? important enough to grab you by the scruff of the neck and get you to change out of the person you`v become.

one of the reasons i stayed in LONDON was to avoid the family pressure (my father ),well no that`s a lie ,i came to LONDON to get as far away from my abuser as possible and the side effect was that the rest of my family, whom i loved dearly ,were further from me than i wanted ,there are other thing`s that i`v missed out that would explain the confused situation that is my family,but that's a long story and a lot more serious than i want to talk about at the moment.

With the term abuser and the next word is usually the father ,but in my case my father was not the abuser ,that term fits my Mother ,monster if you will ,and even now i can not deal with it in my mind because there is so much pain.

I have been neglecting my promise to try and keep a proper diary of sort's  but    the life that is mine at the moment is so bloody hard to describe  because "  i have no life .

 

The other word i was avoiding when thinking of the word mother "abuser monster and the one i allways find the most difficult torturer"yes"torturer "there i've said it ,torturer "my fucking mother totured me as a child ,surely not i hear in my head because that word conjures up so much images that surely do not relate to that word ,"torturer".

Over these years i have been able to think about it in the third person ,how on earth can someone abuse a child?? as if it is not me ,i mean yes it''s not me and i shout out that question ,in a voice and manner that must have looked and sounded slightly irrational .