re wants and needs .

OK" i said to myself this morning what is it that  is on the menu of life to-day someone asked me recently what would i like to have to change my life for the better ,well"what they meant in their polite way was what could help me out of this bloody cocoon that i am living in,you see I'm stuck in my flat  because of my physical condition ,ie my pain and bloody spastic like movements that have been affecting my movements sometime  and it is so odd because if I'm doing something's and i am not really worked up it lessen's to quite a degree ,but what i am not really saying to them is that i am so bloody embarrassed about what the hell is going on and when i am out i am so bloody concious off my appearance ,also i do not know what the hell is going on in my own body.
Anyway back to this morning and the menu ,well on the new's was a piece about assisted suicide and some poor fellow is suffering enough to want to go and i sympathise with him and i think to myself how lucky he is to have the stuff to do it without having to wake up knowing that you bloody failed and feel so fucking stupid.
It's ironic really because i've been thinking about the drugs needed to go through with it ,at the moment the radio interview of the people involved were so carefull not to say what exactly was in the concoction.

The brain is a bloody finite organ with seemingly no beginning or end ,i say that because recently i have just had a brain scan and wondered how they can diffirentiate between what is good and what is bad in  what you need to get you by in your life ,i know they can not be as specific as what i'd like but i just wish he talked me through the scan instead of closing the folder and giving to me the information that he wanted me to know or he thought i should have ,  but the bloody man was more concerned about the hospital's legal protection,
(it's a long story) anyway he told me my injury had healed and i should be pleased with that ,he said it in a way that he wanted me to take it in the way he was explaining it ,ie the problems i am now having are certainly not the result of them (the hospital) he went on by telling me that i won't be seeing him again as hhe was leaving due to health problems and his  main concern was that he could have a smooth roll over of the admin  side of things and he was concerned with transition and we lost each other ,i because i heard him saying i would not see him again ,(i was floored by that because i felt he was discarding me and that what i am going through is not being taken seriously ) the other term i took in was psychiatrist ,that word burned into my brain and everything else was a blur ,  it was'nt till i went home slept like a log ,woke up and as calmly as i could went through the whole event time and again to try and make sense of what really went on and what he actually said as opposed to what my interpretation was to what he said and since then i have been obsessively
going through it time and again till it is now driving me fucking mad ,and i am as much down that road ,under my own steam, without needing any help from him ,thank you very much .
So today "thank god ,my friend and psychologist is coming to see me and i hope to arrive at some decision as to the true meaning of what went on in my talk with the neurologist by talking calmly with my psychologist ,
God "poor woman "  what she has to put up with talking to me .