We can all be judgemental, and we do act on our judgemental views and that is where a lot of problems arise , because there can be such a different view taken from the same piece of information, because once that piece of information goes through the prism of the Human brain, then there are so many ways of looking at the same view, but through the prism of say someone who is unhappy, or has religious feelings, of the points raised in scripture, and then there are different religious affiliations , etc'etc, it's a minefield, the  'Human Condition' and prejudices gained from so many inputs.
I guess what i am really saying is that there is no getting away from prejudice, from wherever and from whoever,  and thats why the robber barons wanted the 'Magna Carta points   written down into a law and adhered to no matter what clever argument is used to beat people over the head with, if it is the law, then we are all protected fairly, (I'm talking about Human Rights here now) as we all know the law as it is written is only fair to a small minority.
But ' if a child is protected from the moment it comes out of the womb, if it is given rights to be seen on par with everyone else ,and is given the right to have the same chance in life, no matter what' or at the very least, start to talk about how it could be done, and how it can be written into law;  so that the protection and rights of a child as it enters this world, is given by our civilized society, and the standards should now be written down, or at the very least, we should now be debating how it could be done, and that is what we owe to tomorrows society, "Mr Cameron" and of course not worry about debt, for doing away with Mammon and profit, is what we owe them , not fix it so that they will allways be prisoner to greed, and the wanting more , more than your neighbour, more than you can eat, more than you need, or even should want.
The argument put by those' (who deride the point) that there ever could be a better way than, trying to live without the need for "Mammon" and "profit" (allways used by those who have too much) as a way to stop  us ' trying' to design a different way to live, to free us from so many  ways that is far from what is desirable in the make up of the man that now haunts this planet.
I went into that little rant after wondering what in one human being , is not present in another human being, ie the bile, as i can't imagine why someone hates on that level where you want to hurt someone else , what i mean is what is it that drives someone into hating another human being,  where does it come from ? ,what causes it ? there has to be a reason why because i really believe if we could work out why or what causes the thoughts in the first place, thoughts that is where you can be driven to say torture another person , make them want to suffer, or want what they have, it must come from somewhere, it must have a point, does it come through a lack of something, or too much of something .
Money for example, you only need enough to feed you and your family, and of course there is certain vanity and ego around wanting to be seen as looking good or the need to be desired, surely those feeling are more natural than someone wanting to get vengeance, pluck someone's eye out, surely that is a feeling that we all recognize as wrong and we don't need a law for that,  but we do, and it is the same characteristics or traits that come in to play when competition  or tribal instincts  is roused, like these riots, and we locked up those that stoked the fires that led to the riots or created in some people reasons for  the instinct where they would act on certain traits locked within their make up, nd the courts seen it as the same ,those that stoked the fires and those that acted from being scorched into action.
Oh and there is Libya, and Syria, and Iran ,where the rioters are heroes, where the stokers are freedom fighters and they are all fighting for freedom together.
In the end it is "Hypocracy''    encouraging spite' through peer pressure, or getting someone else to pluck your neighbours eye out, are the same traits of character that are being encouraged , No More'' No Less.
I do not want to be part of a society that encourages plucking out the eyes of anyone....    

I want this to be noted "publicly" before they attack me

What is the right thing to do ?  What would you do ? I ask everyone who reads this ,to ask themselves, and give me some courage to do what's best ,  the right thing to do is make a formal complaint:  Trouble is there are innocent people involved and if the truth comes out then there is no stopping things, as things like this take on a life of their own.
My dilemma is that I am a great supporter of people who are being bullied or having their "Human Rights'" trampled on, and anyone who may have read some of my utterances, will know how i allways sound off'  against the, "big bad bully" beating up on those who are powerless to defend themselves and so it would be "very hypocritical "of me to keep silent.
Anyone reading this and wonders what i am going on about , should read my earlier post about having people and companies, and( possibly their local council ) abusing their position by installing a listening device  into my home  .
I don't care what they do now, and they can follow me all they want, and listen in from the flat above, as it won't make much difference as I've never been as ill as i am now, my kidneys are packing in and my pains have never been as bad;   ironically'  i have stopped going out and forcing myself to walk, and ironically,   it's allowed me to be more active at home,   but it has made the pains worse.
So no matter what i do,  there is' allways a backlash,   but I want it to be known what tactics, 'they' are using,  they' (might be, those' who i think they are, but can just be the local authority, no matter, they all seem to take the lead from their bile) and have refused to give me access to the files they have accrued over the period of time, that they have used this device, other than as an aid for my safety and of course the surveillance material and tapes of my conversations while in my own home.
I did not want to make a formal complaint, but as they are stonewalling me in my request's ( under the freedom of information act) because I'm sure they have it all, for why do it in the first place, if not as some kind of evidence, well they have had that device in my home well over a year (my memory can let me down around time) I think, and the company has changed hands ,(or changed it's name) something like that, and it went from being a device of aid ie'... making sure i did not fall or become ill, to one of "surveillance"  the other thing is, that they allways knew where i was, and  (as i allways went in my car,) so  that is  leading somewhere'  and is something else, for who told them where my car was and where i would be, if not ' for what i am saying, that there is a private company under contract, supposed for support of people with mental health issues, but because they have a contract and had freedom to visit my home, but turned it round ,(because the manager Chappy ,called me a Pikey)  and i asked them to end their visits .
Part of their job was helping me through a bad time and because of other things the support worker handled my paperwork like filling out forms and things (it's a long story) so when i  fell out with them and asked them to end their support (after being called a pikey) and ten minutes later a note was placed on my car, demanding i paid five hundred pounds or so, but if i paid half then it would be ok, but the fines were illegal as i had a blue badge, anyway the company that collects the parking fines is affiliated with the company that gives people support, and works out of the office that has access to the conversations i had in private in my home. you see when some people find out something and when you add the brouhaha round debt and all these companies only have one thing that they serve and it is profit,and if they get paid for supporting people enough so they come off benefits, then they are sure to get the contract next time, so there is pressure on them to look at people like me as something other than, someone who is ill, and the management spend as much time trying to make sure there is a profit in it for them
It is all very complicated, and i may not have the details exactly ,but what i know for definite is that my private conversations were heard by a person upstairs, who also was used to help me in the beginning, but as time went on the whole thing changed from being there to help me in  my need, but was used to place me under surveillance  ,well i only caught on after so many things did not add up,... like my carer raising his voice when he was in the room ,  (I can not say much more of why i knew what he was doing, ie' making sure it was heard)                          
All this might sound rather rambling, but I am trying to rush it out on my Blog' (so that it is common knowledge)   as i said I may not be able to prove my assertions, because they will not hand over the paperwork they have on me, and untill i know some things I can not be very definite of who was behind it, but' on top of this'  there are two women, who have followed me, one even peeped her horn at me and photographed me,  (it's a long story) but part of my disability is through my head injury I have been aware of them for a while.
Jeeze but this sounds very very odd , I know'' but I've made some enemies due to my politics and  my support of Palestine has been very vocal, they look sisters. and my politics may be adding to the venom of those followers following me, as i rather stupidly gave my Blog Address , and anyone on the end of that device (it went into to an open office) would for certain have heard my waffling on about my Blog..

I really am sorry that i can't explain this better, all i can say is that something is rotten in the''''''' well lets say, untill i know a few more details, i can not be more precise,and as i said this is only to make people aware of some of the traits encouraged in getting people to spy on someone , just because they have some bile lingering and left over from reading the "Daily Mail" and of course the "Sun"

I am sorry about the less than comprehensive understanding in this post, jeeze' comprehensive '' indeed, anyway some people frighten me, because they are not interested in the truth, or in someones suffering or illness, all they are running on is bile' and they are fed with bile from these companies that are only in business if they make a profit, and their profit comes from ......well muggins here,  I am no Angel, but what i know for sure, is that if I'm not disabled, then i feel for the people that have illnesses that doesn't beat them  over their   bigoted  head.
I am far from proud about my life, but i am now paying for my errors , in spades, because believe me your health ,and brain  working, is far more important than any amount of money,  so fuck off" i say to the bilious companies that function on bile.

Control'' Through' "Peer Pressure"

It is no new thing, this "Peer Pressure" in fact it is the oldest control  used by government's around the world,  alongside'  "ridicule", it is the cruellest tool's of all, as it abuses it's citizens, "certain citizens"
"  that is;  because'  once turned on, there is no saying where it leads, you see'  it goes right into our homes, through  the media and right into areas,  where we as' "Human Beings" are peculating our values , values that of late,  are' so inconsistent with being a "Human Being", well ' what' and where we as "Human Beings" should be trying so hard to go and that is trying to create a more equal society, where every child should be given an equal chance, and it's now time that it was written into law , also' seeing every person on par with oneself; Seeing the poor, not as citizens to abuse, or seeing some ' who have certain abilities, as abilities, far superior , than the say'  some of our citizens possess, namely' those who won't clean up after us, and those who do clean up after us,  Both characteristic's at opposite ends of the spectrum, but what we as a society want to pass on, That  valuing one citizen over another, or (the point that the Conservatives raise and push down our throats,   about not passing "Debt" on to future generations)  Well ' what is more important ? , is it trying to pass on Monetary  values, ie' Greed,  a divided  society , by encouraging a dreadfull trait " Spite" and the spying on your neighbour, through encouraging the anonymous phone call  to authorities about Tax-evasion, or'  the Hollering at the present time,  against,  so called'  "Benefits Cheats"  are those abilities that are to be valued'  and passed on.
You see,  trying to manipulate society,  by encouraging trait's, that surely'  must be,  "traits" that we want to end, in fact any  gov't'  not trying to end' these traits should be seen as derelict of duty and be turffed out at the first oportunity.

You see' I have driven myself mad, by trying to not be seen  by all and sundry as a
"Benefit cheat" due to all the Hollering, and putting the worst kinds of behaviour into the minds of the people around me, due to my ticking all the boxes,( on paper, I am an ideal candidate, ie "Bad Back" 'drug user'  my past' that is) so when looking at my past peoples conclusions were understandable, and it burned inside me every day, and I could not face anyone with any kind of self respect, because ' according to the gov't, people like me' were the pit's, living of Benefits, that we were not entitled to and not just eating up myself inside, I took on a behaviour and acted out, trying to fit the label of being disabled, and we all have an image of what is disabled, my image was something like the character i tried to become, just so that people would not stare at me as if i was not disabled, and I took on the traits that i thought was wanted, and for that I apologise to all and sundry, but that is not to say I'm not disabled, I just did not feel disabled .
But' eventually' it was becoming obvious to me that people were seeing through my act, which added to my eccentric behaviour, so a long time later i decided that I,  inside myself did not need others approval, and what i  did'  was take it head on, and attacked, (through my blog) the gov't policies and the traits they were encouraging.
So what i did was this , I constantly went out and showed people through the contortions my body was doing, and to reassure myself, in fact if the truth be known,  it was that wanting to be reassured that started it, and it got their attention, and I was followed and filmed, and i no longer used my wheelchair, but because it was obvious to me and has been for a long time, so I was a sorry site to people and i think at least some people took away some of the feelings i hoped ,ie' that this attack on the disabled, and the ill was mostly unjustified.
But it is not easy my writing this, as I'm admitting to acting up and to wanting to be seen as honest and with morals(you can say that my moral compass is off, due to my taking on a role to fool people), so this ridiculous fear
  created by "Peer Pressure" and making  people feel dishonest.
You see' I have this thing about feeling that there are people watching me,  watching with a certain frame of mind, and like the idiot I am , allowed myself to over act my disabilities, in fact made myself look like an idiot, because people were treating me a certain way, and it escalated so much so I could not stop it, and i just sat in my wheelchair for a year, and it was when i threw the wheelchair to the boot of my car, that started off the whole episode and silly behaviour, but guilt  is a feeling that eats you up
can be soul destroying, but if I'm guilty of anything, it's to being too proud and allowing "Peer Pressure" to dictate, and dictate every time I passed under the eyes of the less than fairminded, and allow it to , I can hear their voices so loudly and at the present time as loud as it's ever been, now comes the most important reason for my writing this.

I must say quite categorically that my local council have been great,(at least to my mind) but there is allways the less than fair-minded ,those unhappy people, looking for the easiest targets, to turn on and get rid off their pent-up rages, rages with their lot in life.
I mention that because' if there is one thing i can rely on ,it is the gypsy traits of reading people, and it's been my curse, as Ive developed it to quite a degree and used to good effect to keep a regular income, when i was still using illegal substances, but now it's on auto-pilot, and it's seeing too much, and possibly information that is just wrong, because of the less than fair-minded setting on me this private company , and their remit is, to prove that I am lieing about my condition, whatever the condition is, myself I know it is not just one, and therefore dreading all the test's; Because I have been followed to such a degree that it has become harassment, you see I'm just too good a target, (if the truth be known, I had some fun with them in the beginning) As i said I raised my head above the parapet by attacking publicly this attack on the poor and disabled, and so knew that i would become a nice head to have on their wall, but surely they must have known that I'm not stupid and therefore would be very silly indeed if i was a "Benefits Cheat" to put myself out there and so publicly, if' that is I was just after a soft life,(though who could see living of DLA as soft, and needs their head seeing to).
So a little bit about this company that have took it upon themselves to Harass me , first through eavesdropping, and they did that by installing a line, (supposedly for noble reasons) but they used it and abused what they heard, because put a listening device into anyone's home and you are bound to hear '(especially if you are suspicious in the first place) something, and my innocent chats with my support worker (as i thought they were) were in actual fact used by the less fair-minded, as evidence to put me under surveillance.
What would happen was she would turn up and by her demeanour work out what the most recent feelings were about me , and more often than not she gave off a stress kind of thing, and it just goes to show what kind of pressure these people are put under, ie to see me as some sort of, well who really knows,  but my own demeanour and behaviour were as much to blame, and it would be wrong of me to point fingers at individuals, apart from the one driving the stress ,either from within the company that my support worker worked, or within some dept in the council, but i'm positive that there is some individual ,or individuals, who see's people like me, (no matter what ailments, or conditions) as less than deserving, and that will never change no matter how many pieces of film or pictures,  and very importantly, pressurising other professionals, to try and sway their opinion to their point of view, and I'm sure' by the stress'  on the face of the woman support worker, and others, that other kinds of pressure have been brought to bear on them, and to them i say thank you for your courage, also assure you that There is absolutely no doubt whatsoever, (because it has driven me mad) that I am disabled, and it is my spine' that is causing it but I don't know enough about the nervous system , to say that there is a brain issue at work as well, and the other point is I would never do anything to jeopardise the decency and professional integrity of those people who believe me , because there is a dearth of decency around at the moment, and the thought that i would or could be used to attack their integrity,, around the assessment process, because having a kindly face in my corner, saved me from total delussion , and allowed me to except their advice; because fairness is not just a word, it is a state of mind, and you don't know how i miss a face with fairness written on it , as opposed to the twisted snarl of the unhappy person looking to feed their anger.
Finally' I must say that my own behaviour is adding to some peoples view of me , all I will say that the brain and mind and body keeps me in constant awe at the complexity, I live with it I know' finally, I wrote this purely as an expression of my anger, and to maybe help' in any way in understanding the disability issue, and the unknown pressures placed on individuals, unknown' that is' by the "Sun" and "Daily Mail" readership, because the "Conservatives" Oh and the Liberals, must get their Tax cut's, in any way they can, and the tools they are using are very cruel indeed.
Peer Pressure, can't be used selectively, they can't be put away till needed, no' they leave a terrible odour and it raises the'... look at your neighbour.. and judge, and Judge harshly" if you  please, say's the "Daily Mail" and The Sun", ah the values' that we must encourage, and pass on to future generations.
I don't need some public schoolboy Shouting at me that I'm not trying hard enough, No I can do that myself.
 .

I really like how the computers now can and will correct all my English errors, making writing easier for someone like me who just rambles on and forget's to use proper grammar and full stops,apostrophes' and the other little squiggles that i don't even know what they are called, let alone'  where to place them.
But' it can drive you to distraction, especially if your computer is like mine after coffee spills, (no backspace working, also my cursor has a mind of it's own) and my mind now does not work how i would like it, though no fool am I, but i over-heat, and can work myself up' and into little fit's ,that i am slowlly learning when they are coming on, or what brings on the worst ones, basiclly to try and keep my blood-pressure in check.
But'' the reason I am writing this here today is because i want to send a message, or let people know what it is like, or more importantly how it makes you feel, when you are being constantly assessed by the authorities ," no matter how "sensitively" done",... it's still not very nice.
My authority, has been very good indeed and I could not imagine them being much better than they have been, it's just maybe thing's they don't know, but 'Talking just for myself, I have this thing about reading peoples faces, and what i see in their face, ie' how they really feel about me,(ie am i lieing) am i trying to cheat the system, or do they just not like me, or my life-style, either now ' or before, and there is a hell of a lot people judging harshly, purely on their own personal feelings.
So for whatever reason, I become obsessed with trying to make them like me,or at the very leastt find out why they don't like me, now that is silly' I know'' but it destroys me, why?  i don't know, but I normally try to get away from their gaze, or away from their field of view or influence over me, which makes for a hell of a lot of running away.
But when I'm trapped in , say like my home,  that when someone turns up to do their job, and 10/10 it's Assessing me, I behave' I think '' like a trapped animal,  or more like a wounded animal,  and to compound matters, this bloody Myelitus's damage on my nervous system, makes for a very uncomfortable time for me, and the stress on y system causes so much pain and burning all over my body , but if the person does'nt like me, ie they think I'm lieing, so I can't tell them about the pains ,as it's only amunition to their feelings about me, and my feeling's of helplessness bring's on other little thing's, For telling someone about how your feeling in your body, ie pain and the like, and the one good thing i learnt from my family and that is not to be rude to someone who comes into your home.
So' trying to behave politely, and welcoming, is very difficult when someone is trying to drag out of you something, you don't know,  or know' but it is placing you under a lot of stress, as I was brought up not to complain, as it is weak, (my fathers only words were' well in Galig' or Gaelic, does not translate well) but basicly insisting i grin and
 bear.
But mv
y body seems to behave in strange ways ,more so when i'm placing pressure on my back' or worse' my neck" , and if you add in the nueroticness     .then the nerves go into sudden spasm's which must look  like it is put on, and to less fairminded individuals, it compounds their feeling's about me.
But how do you tell people' people who's job it is to help, that everything they may suggest,  i've tried and done, and it is the rubbing on the nerves or bones, that is causing the grazing feeling, of burning, and the rubbing together, can do as much harm as good, so how do you politely swat their advice, without damaging their feeling's, or more importantly, add to their suspicions of your un-diagnosed ailiments..Jeeze'' but don't i go on it's just that i thought i could say here ,and explain better how distressing it is not to be able  to be what i want and do what i want and to have someone think that I am not feeling what I'm feeling is the pit's. 
But to those people who's less than happy about me, then I must say I except and understand how you feel and I'm sorry, I am so sorry , but I have been off drug's for a long time

I sit here Sunday afternoon and wanted to say something, but the actual process of getting set up,, that what i actually wanted to say, and went to such lengths to say ' is lost in the actual process of preparing the computer,   the page , programme, and silly thing's like,  the choice of who's browser to use,   absolutely mind-bogglingly mundane issues,... that Ive created in my mind'... as important.
But' allthough mundane, the actual thought process that it takes me into, that all the more beneficial thing's I actually want to do are lost in the complexity of my over involvement with thing's  i can not understand.
like actually understanding the workings of my computer, so i spend a whole afternoon trying to read instructions about something thrown into my space by clever programme writers, and even the easiest of instructions fail to register with me and the annoying thing is No matter,  I will still be staring a the screen, and each screen I am drawn to takes me into another one, and like the imbecile i am i follow it, but i have not understood the very first item and have no hope of following the even more complex instructions that come  come to the end of  explanation about whatever it was that drew me to my Blog at the beginning of my lazy Sunday.


Since first I wrote the above, a whole week has passed,  No' I haven't just been staring at my screen;  No' I have been brought back to my original Blog on Google,                                                                                             That I opened,  when first i  opened the lid on my first computer and boy have i wandered round the computer world, and wandered is the optimum word .
I remember that i came to computers with all the interest of a little puppy; I could not believe that what i had at the tip of my fingers ie' all his knowledge, me who had been deprived of filling my head with all my interest's ,them being many, but what is sad' is that just before i got my greasy paws on a compu.ter I had a serious head injury which pushed away all my abilities to learn and. allthough i had another head injury as a child it never destroyed my being able to push thing's into. my brain where i could retrieve and use if  i really tried hard enough and if it grabbed me enough which most things did but they left just as quick,  but  that is another story, as I . never really knew what was causing my frustration, because its amazing that there is a built in survival mechanism that takes precedence over and above, and,... that works automatically, I could give reasons of why I've arrived at this reasoning, ( the why''... may be obvious to others) but to a mind filled with prejudice, this no small point,  is jumped on as evidence of something else, and if i did not know better I may have given the point due consideration , if a case was being made for faker y after an accident and the assessors, (there's that word again) were called in;  I mention it as assessing'  plays such a large part in my life, and boy do I want my anonymity back, as a gypsy boy' sorry''... "Gypsy man",  as it  was something that was hotwired into me, to be anonymous, was to avoid all the gorgies, (as they say in English cant) as Gorgies were a bit like the Jews see Goy's.                                
So along with the other nuerotic behaviour a kind of madness is exceptable, or "was" exceptable when dealing with the rest of the world.   .

" THIS PAGE " IS' ABOUT ME' WHO AM I ??

Well''  who the hell are you" I hear you ask, well'  I could  well ask you''  "you"  who,  is reading this' who the hell are you ? and why do you want to read anything i am saying,.. or waffling on about,  after all'' why do we read anything that is written down on the..."Blogosphere"
Well '' how many millions of people,  "at the moment" are writing thing's down, ' hoping to be read',  well ''  why ? why is it that we want, "complete strangers"  to peruse what we say , or'  the real reason''and that is,  to have a peek'.. at' and into ,  someone else's life... does that mean our own lives are wanting, does that mean, 'we are voyeurs ! for sitting safe in our own little room, peering into someone else's life , hoping to be entertained'... is that what it is ?
We want to be entertained'   No"  surely  not'' .
But that is exactly what it is,  but wait a minute,  just because we want to read about someone else's life, and yes !  be entertained''.  But there is nothing wrong in that,... is there ?  As being entertained'', because it takes us out of ourselves, for a while, and anyway'  anyone who is completely happy'' with, "just themselves" for company ,  would ' be wanting , indeed.

Back again

Well' here i am again , and i must say that going over this old blog of mine has been quite a humble experience, not to mention a bloody embarrassing one.
Everyone that does any kind of writing,  must' at some time have been so excruciatingly embarrassed about what they have written , but not nearly as excruciatingly as my blog, it is so excruciating that nobody will even admit to being here , let alone read anything i've written , and not even one follower, hows that for excruciating, but who can blame anyone for not wanting to be associated with this blog in any way whatsoever, but hey' thats not really why i started writing this blog.
I started this blog for one reason ,well maybe two; but that's beside the point as the original reason was and is to allow me a place to let out some of my shit, so to speak, and allthough i have not been here for sometime, but it has nothing to do with anything, other than my anger with Google about broadcasting my nom de plume and therefore telling people who knew me , but had no idea about this blog ,and the shock they must have got ,after reading some of my brutally honest meanderings ,not to mention my problem and fight with drug addiction, and my Suicide attempts, and failures, and generally admitting to being a complete shit.
Well i'm here again, and no i am not going to get rid of what i've written , on the contrary i'm leaving it all, all it's ignorant ramblings, all it's embarrassing admitting to excruciating emotional baggage and crys for help .
It would be so easy to start over and rid myself of this character,.. 'coolpolitealex'  no he will stay , and not only that i am going to continue, and continue as if i never went away, and i'm going to admit to more, but only not as badly written ,and badly spelt, or with  such  grammar that really i know nothing about,or can with confidence say that my grammar can't get worse than when first I started.
No ' it was me, it is me, only now i must talk of the next chapter , the chapter about being free of drug addiction , free of suicide attempts, but still not free.
 You see, you can't get away from yourself, no .matter how hard you try